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The Lighter Side:Part 1

DRINKING & DRIVING-------


There was this Indian party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain. These two young Indian braves ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the
road, aughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old Indian man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger Indian screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old Indian guy's face
there!"

(Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old Indian man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the other Indian rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old Indian softly replied, "you have any tobacco?"

The passenger Indian, terrified, looked at the driver Indian and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror. Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger Indian says, "What do you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty
fast?"

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old Indian man again. "aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger Indian yells. "Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakely says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old Indian quietly asks.The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "Oh my ......! HE'S BACK!"

He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear. The
old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

TwistedHumor.com Joke of the Day

"God's Sense of Humor" - Rated PG
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed. Soon afterward he died and showed up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checked, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"

 Batman

There was a guy named Chris in a bar one night who got really, really, drunk, I mean really, really , really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. Chris stumbled over to the nun and punched her hard in the face. Well, the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything, Chris punched her again. This time she fell down and Chris stumbled over to her and kicked her inthe butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. Then Chris stumbled over to her and said..................................

"Not very tough tonight, are you, Batman?"

 

 Gandhi

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became very thick and hard. He could step on a tack and never even feel it. And even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. But he was an exceptionally spiritual person and that got him through.But when he did eat, it was often heavily laced with curry and other strong spices. So, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Thus he became widely known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.


 A Tiny Church In Florida

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Titusville, Florida, got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in
frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to
the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 43 years."

 

 Captain Bravo
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who
showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas,
a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic.Captain Bravo
bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt.The First Mate quickly retrieved the
captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates
into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the lookout again spotted
not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt
and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around
on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the
captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will
not show my blood,and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly
man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted
not one,not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all
stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against
his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get
me my brown pants!!"

 

 WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!
If you get an envelope from a company called Revenue Canada, DO NOT OPEN
IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter
claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the
operation of essential functions of the Canadian government.

This is blatantly untrue!

The money that this organization collects is used to fund various
inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Canada
Pension Plan, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save
it for your retirement. In truth, the CPP uses the money to pay for the
same misguided make-work projects that Revenue Canada helps mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Canadians out of
trillions of dollars. Don't be among them!

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

 

 

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