The Lighter Side: Part 3
Religious Humour Dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying
not to |
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers: FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ----------------------------------- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. ---------------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG ------------------------------ 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 ------------------------------ TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 ------------------------------- 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 --------------------------------- STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15 --------------------------------- SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents ----------------------------------- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ----------------------------------- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. ----------------------------------- FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. ---------------------------------- FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 ----------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************** CALL CHUBBIE *************** ------------------------------------ BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" -------------------------------------- SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS -------------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. --------------------------------------- HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" ---------------------------------------- GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER. ----------------- HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB ----------------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents/lb. ------------------------------------------ NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED ------------------------------------------ FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. ------------------------------------------ AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100 ------------------------------------------- TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. -------------------------------------------- EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175. --------------------------------------------- OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. ----------------------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. ---------------------------------------------- LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. --------------------------------------------- ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER -------------------------------------------- GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. ---------------------------------- KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box ----------------------------------------------- FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb. --------------------------------------- FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything. |
Subject: Things you wish you could say at work!! Things you wish you could say at work!!! 1. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with, once you people learn to worship me. 6. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of boloney! 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't ive a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you does not mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. No, really... what colour IS the sky in your world? 22. No, my powers can only be used for good. 23.You sound reasonable... It must be time to take my medication. 24. Who me? I just wander from room to room. |
Van Gogh's Family Tree After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh he brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh |
The Athiest An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him
and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth
and waited below to swallow them both. As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open
jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming
voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe
in Me!" The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it."
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Deep Thoughts...very deep Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Too Seriously: 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like, night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 7. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 8. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 9. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 11. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 12. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 13. I intend to live forever - so far so good. 14. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. 15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. 16. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 17. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 19. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 20. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 21. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 22. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. 23. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. 24. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 25. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 26. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 27. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 28. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 29. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 30. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 31. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. |
Police Officer and a Monkey A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger
had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out
of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down
at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." |
Noah and today's Ark The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man." "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!" Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system." "My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board." "Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls." "Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind." "Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being." "Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!" "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire." The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years." With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord, "the government already has." |
Job Interview Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years .. say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." |