The Lighter Side: Part 3
Interesting letters / resumes/ reports ...some printed from the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analysing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get
to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3 A room temperature IQ..
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. So dense, light bends around him.
9. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
10. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2. I would not breed from this officer.
3. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
4. He would be out of his depth in a car parkpuddle.
5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
6. This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
7. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
10. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
11. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Overheard on a Plane
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
THE OLD PREACHER
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his
Lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they
were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held
out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The
preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the
ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer
were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with
him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never
given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They
Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
Subject: Bumper Snickers
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well
Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
Hang up and drive.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Keep honking while I reload.
Liberal Arts Major. Will Think for Food
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them .
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard!
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Darn Discount
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
Monkey On The Side Of The Road
A man was driving down the highway in his pick-up truck and there
At this time there was a state trooper cruising down in the
The next day the policeman saw the man driving down the highway
"I did," replied the man, "and we had so much fun that
Canada's Worst Air Disaster
Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
Memos From Corporate America
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were
looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
| Understanding Engineers - Part One|
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" wondered the artist.
"Yeah," said the engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the plant and get some work done."
Understanding Engineers - Part Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Part Three
(Q.) What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
(A.) Mechanical Engineers build weapons -- Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Part Four
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
A Funeral Service
A Funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the
casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They
hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held
at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are
again carrying out the casket.