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The Lighter Side: Part 3

Interesting letters / resumes/ reports ...some printed from the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

7. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analysing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under
those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

3 A room temperature IQ..

4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

5. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

6. Bright as Alaska in December.

7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

8. So dense, light bends around him.

9. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

10. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this officer.

3. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

4. He would be out of his depth in a car parkpuddle.

5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

6. This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

7. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

9. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

10. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

11. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

 

Overheard on a Plane

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, I
heard: "Ladies and gentlemen we've reached a cruising altitude and will
be tuning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." On landing she said:
"Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave
anything please make sure it's something we'd like."
---------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this plane.
-------
After landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."
---------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!
------
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
------
From a Southwest Airlines employee..."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with more than one small child..Pick your favorite.
-----
Weather at our distention is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or you money, more than Southwest Airlines."
-----
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
------
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for
the rest of the flight."
-----
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over you own mouth and nose before
assisting children or other adults acting like children."
-----
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
-----
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
-----
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry....Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight...!"
-----
Heard on Southwest Airlines Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"
-----
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with you seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"
-----
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
-----
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
Question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
-----
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Please remain in your seats until Camp.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
----
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

 THE OLD PREACHER

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both
remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats

Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

 Subject: Bumper Snickers
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.

Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well

Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed

First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends

God must love stupid people...He made SO many.

Hang up and drive.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen

In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Keep honking while I reload.

Liberal Arts Major. Will Think for Food

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them .

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard!

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping

What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?

Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

Senior Citizen: Give Me My Darn Discount

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

 Monkey On The Side Of The Road

A man was driving down the highway in his pick-up truck and there
was this lone monkey just sitting along the side of the road.
Confused, the man stopped the truck and opened the door. "You
need a lift?" he asked. The monkey just stared back at him and
scratched his butt. Eventually the man got out, picked the monkey
up, put it in his front seat and started down the road again.

At this time there was a state trooper cruising down in the
opposite direction. The policeman happened to see the man pick up
the monkey. Knowing that it was not only illegal to pick up hitch
hikers, but also illegal to have a monkey, he pulled the man over
a few miles down the road. The policeman chewed the man out for
picking up the monkey and told him to take it to the zoo
immediately. The man agreed and was off.

The next day the policeman saw the man driving down the highway
with the monkey again. So he pulled the man over and said, "I
thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo."

"I did," replied the man, "and we had so much fun that today
we're going to Sea World!"

 Canada's Worst Air Disaster

Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


 Memos From Corporate America

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are some of the submittals. . .
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
5. "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I say."
6. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
7. SCENARIO: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
8. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
9. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
10. As director of communications for a medium-sized company, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day
after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red., The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me
not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out- directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
11. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"
12. "If you have any suggestions as to how things could be done better write it down on a piece of paper and file it until I retire." B.Henson
13. In reference to new products... "It's time we stopped letting distributors dictate what we should make." Anonymous Plant Manager

 Understanding Engineers - Part One
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" wondered the artist.
"Yeah," said the engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the plant and get some work done."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers - Part Two
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers - Part Three
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Q.) What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
(A.) Mechanical Engineers build weapons -- Civil Engineers build targets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understanding Engineers - Part Four
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

A Funeral Service 

A Funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL !!'''

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