The Lighter Side: Part 5
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (As answered by elem. school students)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
No age is good to get married at. You got tobe a fool to get married.
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Our scout master told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.
We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily,
none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for
Chad when it happened.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster
Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down;
that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We
FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
English 44A SMU Creative Writing Prof. Miller
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
Now this is really bad...prepare yourself....Really BAD PUNS!
Ok this might be worse...
These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again"
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The
Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone
Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes,
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm -- prayer and medication to follow.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends
Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving
Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing
Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward
On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Mrs. Simpson will be entering the hospital this week for some testes.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
| Some Time-honored Truths:|
1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?.
18. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
19. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
20. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
21. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
22. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
23. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
24. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete
disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
| SMART DUCK AND HIS GRAPES - Submitted by Jeff Copeland|
A duck waddles into a bar. He jumps up on a barstool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What can I get for you?"
"I want some grapes," said the duck. "I'm sorry we don't have grapes," replied the bartender. The duck gets mad and quacks up a storm as he leaves.
A couple of weeks later, the bar door gets kicked open and the duck waddles in again. Bartender says what can I do for you. Duck says "I want some grapes." He says that he doesn't have any grapes. So, the duck gets mad and stomps out again.
A few weeks later, the door gets kicked open again and the same duck comes waddling in. Bartender says, "What do you want?" Duck says, "I want some grapes!"
Bartender says,"Look I have now told you three times that we don't have any grapes. If you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I am going to NAIL you bill shut to this bar table!" Duck starts quacking and stomps out.
A week later, the same duck comes in again and jumps up on the bar stool. The bartender says, "What do you want?" The duck says, "Do you have any nails?" Bartender says, "No?" The duck replies, "Good, then I want some grapes!!!"
| Philosophy of Love|
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But...
If it just sits in your living room,
watches your TV,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it
free in the first place
You either married it or gave birth to it.