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The Lighter Side: Part 5

 HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (As answered by elem. school students)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and
dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later whom you're
stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

 

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got tobe a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6

 

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
Derrick, age 8

 

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

 

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and
have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

 

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them.
Anita, age 9

 

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

 

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10

Dear Mom

Our scout master told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.

We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We
think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.
All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about thelife jackets floating away. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works he let each of us practice putting it on.
Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters,and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Jimmy
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

 FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime
example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English
students: Rebecca and Gary.

English 44A SMU Creative Writing Prof. Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday :

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process
is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her
immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short
story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and
so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in
order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached.

see below........

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked
chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl.
His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her
asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he
said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle
beamflashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
thecockpit. He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before
he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman
who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.

"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie
read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and
bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days
had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract herfrom her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a
woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimp peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treatythe
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated
their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarineheadquarters on
the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The
President slammed his fist on the conference table, "Wecan't allow this! I'm
going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing
are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Jerk.

Wench

 Now this is really bad...prepare yourself....Really BAD PUNS!
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Ok this might be worse...
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
..............
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
............
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

........
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced
in a church service! See what a typo or poor editing can do?

=========================================

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way
from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your
own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus"

Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing
a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for
the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green
beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person(s) you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and
gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm -- prayer and medication to follow.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the
church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving
milk, please come early?

Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put
Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his
study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay
an egg on the altar.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the
new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come
forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David,
the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Simpson will be entering the hospital this week for some testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign Slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Idiot Sightings!

Sighting #1:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had "iceberg".

Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to
blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth
are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company
due to downsizing, our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should
have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just
looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an
approaching truck.

Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not power
up.

Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went
to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.
"I already got that side."

Sighting #6:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She
informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was
signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare
the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the
receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully
compared signatures. As luck would have it, they matched.

Sighting #7:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and he
no longer wanted them to cross there.

 

Sighting #8:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I
said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and
nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

 Some Time-honored Truths:
1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?.
18. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
19. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
20. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
21. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
22. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
23. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
24. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

 

Blonde Consumer
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete
disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

 

 SMART DUCK AND HIS GRAPES - Submitted by Jeff Copeland
A duck waddles into a bar. He jumps up on a barstool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What can I get for you?"
"I want some grapes," said the duck. "I'm sorry we don't have grapes," replied the bartender. The duck gets mad and quacks up a storm as he leaves.
A couple of weeks later, the bar door gets kicked open and the duck waddles in again. Bartender says what can I do for you. Duck says "I want some grapes." He says that he doesn't have any grapes. So, the duck gets mad and stomps out again.
A few weeks later, the door gets kicked open again and the same duck comes waddling in. Bartender says, "What do you want?" Duck says, "I want some grapes!"
Bartender says,"Look I have now told you three times that we don't have any grapes. If you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I am going to NAIL you bill shut to this bar table!" Duck starts quacking and stomps out.
A week later, the same duck comes in again and jumps up on the bar stool. The bartender says, "What do you want?" The duck says, "Do you have any nails?" Bartender says, "No?" The duck replies, "Good, then I want some grapes!!!"

 

 Philosophy of Love
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But...
If it just sits in your living room,
watches your TV,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it
free in the first place
You either married it or gave birth to it.

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